redvenusdivamom’s blog

   I've been thinking about my friend, JusJulie's post on Mar. 31 of this year.  In response, I'd like to share some thoughts from Joni Eareckson Tada's book, A Lifetime of Wisdom:  Embracing the Way God Heals You.
Joni has been a longtime lover of the Word of God, people with disabilities, and wisdom.  As a teen, she was disabled in a swimming accident.  God has spoken to her about her disability and has revealed layer after layer of Himself and the intricacies of suffering and becoming more like Christ.  Just like the people in JusJulie's blog, Joni, too, has something to say about the Pool of Bethesda.
   "A flurry of dust swirled at my feet as a warm, dry breeze rose and tossed my hair.  I was speechless here.  Large tears welled in my eyes and I sniffed hard, as I imagined blind people clustered against the wall and the lame leaning against the pillars.  I could see paralyzed people lying on stretchers and mats, their eyes searching and their hands pleading.
   And I saw myself among them--just as I had so many years before--a scruffy, sun-browned young girl dressed in a burlap cloak, lying on a mat, squeezed somewhere between a shady cool wall and the paralyzed man who had been there for 38 years.
   Oh, Lord, You waited more than thiry years--almost as many years as the paralyzed may You helaed that day--to bring me to this place.
   I gulped hard, remembering the times I'd lain numb and depressed in  my hospital bed, hoping and praying that Jesus would heal me...I remembered the times Diana would read to me about this place, and the flim clip that looped in my mind, playing over and over again.
  "And now...after 30 years...I'm here," I whispered. "I made it."
  That's when it his me.  Jesus didn't pass me by.  He didn't overlook me.  He didn't walk away.  I had never been able to see the end to that movie loop in my imagination, but I could see it now.
   Jesus had truly come my way and answered my prayer.
   And His answer was no.
   "Lord, Your no answer...meant yes to a deeper healing.  And a better one.  Your answer had bound me to other believers and taught me so much about myself.  It's purged sin from life: it's strenghthened my commitment to You.  Forced me to depend on Your grace.  Your wiser, deeper answer has stretched my hope, refined my faith, and helped me to know You better.  And You are good.  You are so good."
   I let the tears fall.
   I know I wouldn't know You...I wouldn't love and trust You...were it not for--
   I looked down at my paralyzed legs.
   ---for this wheelchair.  Thank You, Lord, for this chair.  
   It wasn't often I could presuppose God's motives, but I could this one.  He had brought me to that Pool, the Pool I had seen over and over in my dreams, that I might make an altar of remembrance out of the ruins.  That I might see--and thank Him for--the wiser choice, the better answer, the harder, yet richer path.
   He had brought me here, all the way from home...so I could declare it to anyone whithin earshot of the whole universe, to anyone who might care.
   There are more inportant things in life than walking.
 

It has come to my attention that I really don't know exactly what I believe.  Or maybe I don't have know the foundation of my beliefs...like, why do I believe that hell is a real place or yelling the truth at me doesn't make it more exciting to me?
One of these things include the 'kingdom now' theology.  I didn't know that there was such a thing.  I have set under some teaching on the Lord reigning in us today, in the present.  I think that my interpretation has been that because of Christ in me, the hope of glory, I could influence my world.  I don’t think that I believed in the fact that we must reign for Christ to return or that dominion in all areas of global life must be run biblically for Christ to return (which is how wikipedia defines it).

I am good with Christ in me, the hope of glory, reigning in me for His glory and purposes.  I am not okay with the idea that unless Christians rule and reign in all areas of the earth--schooling, government, military, etc.--Christ will not return.  I have no idea where the Biblical foundation is for that one.  It seems to me it's just another way to try get God to run on our wishes and not His own.  It seems about behavior to me.  If I rule and reign, God will return.  If I don't, He won't until I do.  Isn't that similar to if I read my Bible enough [or pray or witness or give], God will be happy with me and answer my prayers.  If I don't, He won't until I do.  It seems like manipulation...like being afraid of a God whose love is conditional and the only way He will move on our behalf is if we appease Him (and isn't that like making offerings to other gods?).

Then there's this part of it that has adjusted its ideas of the Lord returning.  I know, the word 'rapture' isn't in the Bible.  Yet, it seems that with the teaching of living in the kingdom now, there isn't much talk of His return. It seems like the teachers are trying to give hope for the now--Jesus really is ruling and reigning and we are walking with Him and doesn't that make life better?  It is good for us to follow Him and to have a relationship with Him today.  He does comfort and bring truth and understanding and that does make my life better.  I do agree.  Yet, there is no hope for the future--except if we are ruling and reigning and dominating everything.

To hope that Christians will one day get it together enough to rule and reign in the earth and Jesus will return at that point, does not give me hope.I cannot put my ultimate hope in people.  They change too much. I can put my ultimate hope in the Lord.  I can put my hope in His love for me now and that is a small part of what it will be like when the veil of my humanity is lifted.  To know that He is returning for me, His bride, at His choosing, is hope for me.  I love Him and am looking forward to our reunion. Hoping for His return does not negate my relationship with Him now nor does not mean that I'm irresponsible in the now.  Pain and tears will end at His return, but I'm not just looking for Him to make me feel better.  I am looking for HIM!

Questions, if my position is ruling and reigning, doesn't that mean that I expect respect like would be offered a king?  If I attain this position, am I expecting to be free of the relating that humanity does?  The disrespect, the backbiting, the dishonoring, the hating, etc.  Am I expecting to be free from pain if I am ruling and reigning?  Don't others honor royalty?  Isn't it presumed royalty has the financial means to afford much?  Isn't it presumed that royalty gets their pick of everything in life?  Maybe without question?  That their authority is the final stop?  Don't folks want to be close to royalty?  Are these the things we presume when we think of ruling and reigning?  Or do we consider what the Lord really had in mind before the fall?  Relationship with Him without shame or hurt or pain or fear.  Authority given without any heady motivations, without any effects of sin and shame. What would that really look like?  Do we, broken and sinful humanity, have any idea what that would mean?

If the teachings are trying to give hope for the now, but I don't believe that brings hope, what is it that I believe?  I believe in a God who suffers along with us--who comforts us and who teaches us how to handle the suffering without taking it all away.  I look at it the way I look at parenting my son.  If I overshadow him to the point of taking all the brunt of life's sorrows, he will not have an opportunity to grow or determine what he thinks or feels. He will not know what to do with life when he gets to be an adult.  If I teach him now to approach the God who says, "come to me in your time of need," he will know how to handle the suffering of this life.  He will know the One Who loves Him the most and will know where to take His pain. Instead, I walk with him, grieving with him and letting him know how to go to God.  If God took all my pain away without letting me experience the process of bringing it to Him and releasing it to Him, how would I grow?  I would come to expect Him to give me a pain-free life and when that didn't happen, I would have a tantrum.  In my immaturity, I would claim my right to a pain-free life. 

And, at the same time, God does do good for us and rescues us and heals and blesses.  It's so amazing.

It seems like we may do a disservice to our young people when we say it's okay to become and remain offended. 

I have been thinking this thought since my colleagues and I encountered some college-aged adults who became offended at the thought that there was freedom from homosexuality.  It wasn't that they were just offended. It seemed that because they were offended, we should not make such a declaration.  Our statement was taken offensively, clung to, and fought.  It seemed that disagreement on that fact was the offense.  We couldn't make a statement and others be okay with their thinking and be okay with our thinking.  It was offensive to disagree...it was offensive to offer an alternative.  They did their best to try to change our minds. 

It seems to me that if we (as a society) were going to tell our young people that it's okay to create or develop into your own identity, from personal style to sexuality, we would also help them be secure enough in the identity they chose so they would be unoffended with opposing opinions.  If I choose or believe that I have a certain identity developing in me and if I believe that it is the absolute truth about me, how can anyone else's opinions shake me?  If I were secure in my identity, wouldn't I be peaceful about opposing viewpoints?  I would be stable enough and believe my identity was secure enough that no one else's opinions would bother me.  Do I choose my identity or anything else about me based on others acceptance or rejection? Is it really okay to expect others to bow to how I may be offended and curtail who they really are based on the fear that I may be offended?  Are we truly a society who wants to walk on eggshells all the time?  (I'm not saying that it's okay to just say or do anything to anyone. General respect expected.) 

Are there people trying to influence society based on that offense--the offense that because my sexuality is not accepted by all regardless of their opinion, let's make it a law and they will have to accept it--or are they moving for action because of true desire of justice for all?  If a law keeps me from stating my opinion, but others can state theirs, is that true justice for all?

To keep an offense is to be bound by the offense itself.  If I keep the offense, I will operate then, from the offense.  If I am offended that others do not accept me or something about me, my guide for relating will then be about them accepting me.  Either I will do everything in my power to get someone to accept me, or I will completly turn against them, remaining hard and angry in my heart.  I will not be free to choose.  Unknowingly, I will continue to operate from that offended place, either working hard to get others to accept me or becoming oversensitive to others' supposed rejection or both.  This will happen in even the most subtle ways...feeling that a low grade on a term paper is because the professor "just doesn't like me", feeling that I didn't get the job I want because of my looks (which I'm insecure about), friends who seem "too busy to hang out w/me"....

Is this the legacy we want to leave?

(And as a last note...I have a heart for all people.  It is difficult to know that I have offended anyone.  It hurts my heart and I hate that it happens.  I do not mean to be offensive.  It pains me that I have to stand up for truth and what I believe and that will offend others. In my sensitive, intorverted heart, I, too, have to work on my own responses to others who are offended by me.) 

    So, I've been thinking about having a dream. Not the sleeping kind--the hope kind.  And it's about having a dream that I don't have much control over.  I'd like something to happen, but there's no view of it in sight. A friend once told me that it was okay to dream even if the dream didn't look possible.  I trust her, but I don't know if I want to agree with that.  Dreaming feels as though the thing I'm dreaming of may be a possibility--and I don't want to be disappointed. 
    I've dreamed and had hope before, but things did not go as I dreamed.  Why dream when I don't really have any inkling that the dream may come true?  I think that dreaming may be good for my heart, but I'm not sure why. 
    Does it make me more open? 
        Does it help my creativity? 
            Does it open up vulnerable and very feminine places in me? 
                Does it make me more real? 
                    Does the mere fact that I'm dreaming make me more hopeful?

I see him everywhere.  It's been distracting. 
    He's really dead.  Yeah, really.  But at this time of year, I am reminded of his absence.  He was so good to us.  And, he was human, too.  He did not understand some things.  And he was wrong on occasion.
    He didn't apologize for for something I think he should have.  That was so hard to walk through.  Many times it seemed that he thought he was in control of his health.  He wasn't.  There were the few times he was vulnerable and he cried over it.  He was afraid sometimes.  That was one of the things I loved about him--when he was honest without trying to be...uhm...the good-Christian-authority-husband person. 
   
Sometimes I wish he would have stayed.  
        But I know I wouldn't have fought my heart or the Lord so hard had he lived.  Mostly, I wish I could have it both ways:  he stayed and I could know the Lord and myself like I do now.
    I see him everywhere.  It is distracting. 
       I miss him.

    Occasionally, my son and I talk about his dad.  A few weeks ago, he said he'd like to visit his father's grave on Father's Day.  "Okay, honey," I agreed. 
    Being 7, my son communicates pretty matter-of-fact feelings of death.  He was angry when the hamster got sick, but only for a moment.  He was angry when his cousin's dog was run over.  He was more angry with that death than the hamster's.  Then related it to his own life. "I don't want our dog to get run over!"  But he doesn't absorb the sorrow and keep it for himself. 
    I was less than thrilled when he wanted to go to the cemetery.  Honestly, I thought he would forget.  And I didn't want to remind him.  I mean, Father's Day at the cemetery?  Ugh. However, on our way to church this morning, he reminded me of my agreement.
    After lunch, we made our visit.  He remembered the engraved mural of the Lord's Supper.  Knew exactly where to go, and now that he can read, read his dad's name out loud.  He then wanted to explore the other side of the mural where others are buried.  For a few minutes, he sat.  Sitting still is not typical for my 7 year old.  I sat next to him and asked if he was sad.  He nodded.  "Does it help you feel closer to him to be here?"  Yes, again.  "Are you angry he is not here?"  Jumping up, "No, mom, why would I be angry?" And off he was to explore some more.  He was done. :)
    I love hearing from him.  He can be quiet with his thoughts and feelings.  I'm glad when he offers a little bit of his heart to me.
    It did feel weird to be at the cemetery on Father's Day.  But I wasn't too sad.  It was okay.
   

What set you apart from the rest of the kids at school? 
Submitted by jks.

My size.  I grew taller than the other girls before they grew.  And, I was a bit on the heavy side.
       I don't think I like answering this as my very first QotD.

Do fish have grissle?  You know, that tough little piece of flesh that doesn't quite get chewed up all the way?
    I don't think they're supposed to have it.
        But I ate a piece of fish today that did.